In my first newsletter article I discussed the metaphor of “Our school as a loving family”. In this article I will try and unpack how this might look in our family home when it comes to resolving conflicts and arguments.
The ideal of having a loving family is something every right-minded parent wants. But we must always remember that it is just that, “an ideal”. If your family is like mine its two steps forward and one step backwards; it’s a journey sprinkled with the frustration of being human and making mistakes. Being a loving family is not a destination we ever arrive at. Like everything that is worthwhile and important in life, becoming and being a loving family only comes with intense commitment and a lot of hard work. However, at the end of the day, it’s certainly worth the struggle!
Here are seven principles which I believe must be in place if we are to have a “loving family”:
1. Loving families are places where physical violence is not accepted
They have a rule saying physical violence is not allowed. There’s a mutual respect for each other’s point of view, and even when they’re in the heat of an argument, there are places they won’t visit and things they won’t say. Loving families don’t resort to insults or name calling. At school we try to resolve conflicts using the principles of Restorative Practice which help children to develop a better understanding of why conflict occurs and to try to resolve it in ways that lead to compassion, and grace being shown, mutual understanding, and non-violent resolution of disagreements.
2. Loving families try to have disagreements in a way that’s best for all
Each family member tries to remember that the ultimate goal of arguing is to clarify what’s happening. This is of course a very hard thing for young children to understand, and that’s why as parents we have to “live it out” in front of them. We can’t say, ‘Do as I say, and not as I do!’ If one person is upset, family members want to find out what is going on rather than “winning”. They know that proving that you are right tears a family apart but trying to understand the other person’s perspective solidifies your connection. Loving families work to find a solution that’s good for everyone (or at least the best possible outcome in the situation).
3. Loving families try to assume positive intention
Family members often use anger as a signal that they need to sort through the muddle and find clarity. When one family member is angry, instead of assuming the worst, they come to each other in a spirit of cooperation. This provides a better chance of a positive outcome. These are skills we aim to highlight and develop in our school through open, frank dialogue with our students, who are encouraged to wrestle with ideas and express their opinions.
4. Loving families are places where there is no blame allowed
When one family member is angry or upset, every member feels it. Instead of blaming the person who is angry, loving families commit to resolving the problem so that each member understands how the others are feeling.
5. Loving families appreciate differences
Instead of erasing differences, a loving family finds ways to incorporate elements of different points of view. There’s nothing wrong with feeling frustrated that another family member doesn’t do things the way you would do them. One of the great strengths of Orana is the commitment that our community members have to a quality Steiner Education. As staff, we are working through what a quality Steiner Education looks like at Orana. An essential element of our deliberations will be deciding what our core values and core Steiner practices are, and conversely, those practices where allowing teachers the freedom to teach in new and different ways will benefit our students. This process, whilst exciting, will not be easy, requiring robust discussion and a willingness to understand and appreciate differing points of view – we will need to “practise what we preach!”
6. Loving families adopt the policy of trying to be the first to apologise after an argument
They apologise for the things said that hurt, and for not listening to the other person’s point of view. By our own example we teach our children how and when to apologise. It is better for parents not to argue in front of children, but if you have been arguing, let them see you apologise, and learn to apologise to your child when it is warranted, for your impatience, for hasty punishments, and the like. A child who knows how to apologise has acquired the life-skill to restore relationships. Don’t we all need this skill in abundance!
7. Instead of saying “we can’t get along”, loving families say through their actions, “we’re having a disagreement, but we’ll figure it out”
Again, this requires a willingness to put aside our personal desires to win or to come out on top. Parents can help by actively encouraging alternative methods for children to sort out disagreements at school and at home, including mediation. Again, this is a skill we teach our students through Restorative Practice in resolving conflicts.
Percy and Florence Arrowsmith had the world’s longest marriage. They remained happily married for 80 years before Percy died. Florence suggested that the secret to the longevity of their marriage was the importance of saying sorry: ‘If you’ve had a quarrel, you make it up – never be afraid to say sorry. We have had our arguments, but we work through them together. We always go to bed as friends and always make up before we go to sleep with a kiss and a cuddle.’ Percy summed up the secret to marital success from his perspective, ‘It’s saying “Yes, dear!” ‘.
If you have read this and feel discouraged, please remember that conflict is a part of the human condition, all families fight and argue. The Orana staff are here to assist you in your challenging role as a parent and they are committed to helping our students express love, care, and goodwill towards each other, which is the highest expression of “community”.
As Rudolf Steiner said in 1920,
‘The healthy social life is found
When in the mirror of each human soul
The whole community finds its reflection, and when in the community
the virtue of each one is living.’
May you and your family enjoy the blessings and challenges of becoming and being a loving family.
With every good wish for the rest of Term 1 at Orana.
Geoffrey Fouracre – Principal
