I came across a wonderful article from Harvard University with some helpful insights into raising caring children. I have edited and summarised much of the article, with my own reflections thrown in for good measure!
Research in human development clearly shows that the seeds of empathy, care, and compassion are present from early on in a child’s life. Children are often far more capable of understanding and expressing these virtues than we give them credit for. In saying this, our children need significant adults in their life (parents, relatives, community members) to help them from early childhood to nurture those seeds into full development.
We should work hard to develop and cultivate our children’s concern for others because it is fundamentally the right thing to do, it aligns with our family values, and also because when children empathise with and take responsibility for others, they’re likely to be happier and more successful in life. I’m defining success in terms of having successful relationships. However, I would argue strongly that those who are able to develop more successful and caring relationships will have more successful careers and better life opportunities.
Below are a set of guideposts to raising caring, respectful children, along with tips for putting them into action. These guideposts are supported by many studies over several decades, having been used by families across the globe.
1. Work to develop caring, loving relationships with your kids
Children learn care and respect when they are treated that way. When our children feel loved, they also become more receptive to considering and taking on our faith, values and teaching. Loving our children takes many forms, such as tending to their physical and emotional needs, providing a stable and secure family environment, showing affection, respecting their individual personalities, taking a genuine interest in their lives, talking about things that matter and affirming their efforts and achievements.
Why not try …
Spending more regular time together. Plan regular time with your children and try to spend one-on-one time with each child each week (easier said than done, I know!). You might, for example, spend one Saturday afternoon a month with each of your children doing something that you both enjoy.
Try to develop more meaningful conversations with your child. Whenever you have time with them, take turns asking each other questions that bring out your thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Avoid closed questions like, “How was school today?” Rather, ask questions such as:
“What was the best part of your day? The hardest part?”
“What did you accomplish today that you feel good about?”
“What’s something nice someone did for you today? What’s something nice you did?”
2. Be a strong moral role model and mentor
Children learn ethical values and behaviours by watching our actions and the actions of other adults they respect. Children will only really listen to our teaching when we “walk the talk”. (Ouch!)
Therefore, we need to pay close attention to whether we are practicing honesty, fairness, and caring for others ourselves, and whether we are modelling skills like solving conflicts calmly and managing our anger effectively in front of our children. Now, before you throw in the parenting towel, even children understand that nobody is perfect all the time. That is why it’s also important as parents to model humility, self-awareness and honesty by acknowledging and working on our mistakes and flaws.
It‘s also important for us to recognize what might be getting in the way. Are we, for example, exhausted or stressed? Does our child push our buttons in a specific way that makes caring for them hard at times? Children will only want to become like us if they trust and respect us.
Why not try …
- Service. Regularly engage in community service or model other ways of contributing within the local community – why not volunteer as a family?
- Honesty and humility. Talk with your child when you make a mistake that affects them. Discuss why you think you made it, apologise for the mistake, and explain how you plan to avoid making the same mistake next time.
- Check in with others and ask for help if you need it. Reflect and consult with people you trust when you’re finding it hard to be caring or to model important ethical qualities like fairness. Never be afraid to seek professional help if you need to. It is not an admission of weakness; we all need some extra help from time to time.
- Take care of yourself. Whether it’s spending time with a friend, going for a walk, meditating, praying or just taking time out, be sure to make time to relieve your stress, both because it’s important for you and because it will enable you to be more attentive to the needs of others. If you are like me, I’ve found it’s too hard to keep going and giving when there is no petrol in my tank!
I hope you have found this helpful. As parents, it is so important to regularly pause and reflect on our parenting – no matter what age our children are. My eldest is now a mother herself and my wife and I still discuss our parenting and how we can best support her and her family.
To read the full Harvard article, click here.
Happy Parenting!
Geoff Fouracre – Principal
